A while back I was going through one of the darkest times of my life. Looking back, it doesn't seem like it should have been so dark. My relationships were great, my kids were healthy, life was good -- or at least it should have been. In fact, I was mad at myself that I couldn't be happy because I knew how blessed I was and how good I had it.
The short version of the story is that I finally got to the point where I admitted I was coping with postpartum depression and got the help I needed. Right before my breaking point, one thing that scared me the most was that I started questioning things that I had known with certainty at other points in my life. I asked a question that I felt beyond guilty for asking... is there a God? What was I thinking asking this question? I was born into a strong family, attended church all my life - even served in a variety of callings, and I knew that I knew God was real. I had felt His love and had answers to my prayers. But still, I questioned.
This is what I knew.... I wanted Him to be real. I knew that if He was - then The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was absolutely His church on the earth. I knew that. It just made sense to me.
Well, I finally admitted some of this internal struggle I was having to a few people that I really trusted and couldn't have asked for a better support system. I spent hours immersing myself in the scriptures, looking for answers but more than that just taking in the sweet, peaceful feeling I had when I read them. I grew to crave the scriptures. I looked for every opportunity I had to read them. Talk about an indicator of truth.
Then one day an amazing woman shared an insight with me that hit me right where I needed it and has truly changed my life. In Doctrine and Covenants section 46, we read about gifts of the Spirit. Verse 13 says "To some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know that Jesus is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world." In verse 11 it says "for all have not every gift given unto them." So if it is a gift of the Spirit to KNOW, a gift that we all don't have, then does it not make sense that we all may not KNOW? In fact, verse 14 says "to others it is given to BELIEVE on their words, that they also might have eternal life if they continue faithful."
A few months later Elder Holland gave this amazing talk. Again, it was just what I needed. I do believe. And I grew to appreciate the faith I have like I never had before. My faith and my testimony isn't going to be exactly what my husband's, friend's, or parents' is. Because it's mine - not theirs. And that's okay.
God does live. He knows each of us individually and has given us the spiritual gifts and earthly experiences we need in order to have the best chance of becoming like Him. But it's up to us and what we choose to do with those gifts. I feel so blessed to know that He knows me. He doesn't want me to compare myself to others. He just wants me to be the best ME I can be.
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